We tend to be at our most unrealistic when looking at what went wrong in our relationships. This is probably because they are so important to us and we have so much invested in them. If you want to change, or develop new ways in which to tolerate to others, then you will have to start with a good dose of reality. Three guidelines will help you focus on what is realistic.

1. Work On Changing Yourself, Not On Changing Others.

• The temptation, particularly if a relationship is stormy, is to insist to yourself, and to others, that it is not you that needs to change, but the other person. Now it may will be true that the other person should change, but since you can’t change other people, it is not worth trying. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the only way you can change another person is to change yourself – to change the way in which you relate to them. Working to change yourself is always difficult. Working to change your relationships is doubly difficult because it is so tempting to think that the other people are at fault, and that they rather than you should make the effort. Do not be distracted by trying to change others: change yourself, and change the way you relate to others. The changes you make will precipitate changes in others. Leave these changes up to them, and the relationship will feel better to you both.

2. Changes Take Time.

• When you change the way in which you related to others, they may resist that change and do things to make you change back. So making changes in relationships can take longer than making changes in yourself alone, and it certainly requires persistence.

3. Work With People As They Are.

• When you find yourself saying, “If only he would do this the way I want him to,” or “If only she would pay more attention,” stop yourself and remind yourself to be realistic. If you want to bring about some changes in your relationships, you should put away these “if onlys” and accept people as they are. Once you start to make changes in yourself, the other person is likely to begin to change. Then you will be able to find out if you can accommodate to each other and get along better.

–Gillian Butler & Tony Hope, Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide ( Oxford University Press, 1996)