Article for Ministers: The Dark Side of Spiritual Abuse -- Part 3

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This is the third installment in a series on spiritual abuse. The whole idea of spiritual abuse is a very troubling at best. The church was intended to be a place of redemptive recovery facilitated by the grace of God. When manipulative control moves to the forefront it can have a very harmful effect on the people who gather to worship. It also has to be established that spiritual abuse can take place in a reverse order. It can originate from the congregation in the form of a board of elders or a single influential member who controls the pastor through financial means or sometimes through psychological and physical intimidation. Increasingly one will find the reverse order in churches that once had to deal with a pastor who was spiritually abusive.

Spiritual abuse is defined as “the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support, or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.” It can be defined another way as “destructive and dangerous involvement in a religion that allows the religion, not a relationship with God, to control a person’s life. He also goes on to say, “People broken by various experiences, people from dysfunctional families, people with unrealistic expectations, and people out for their own gain or comfort seem especially prone to it.”Spiritual leaders who resort to this kind of activity may or may not immediately recognize the control they are exerting. The trend usually isn’t immediately recognized but as time passes the cycle of behavior manifests in a manner that has a horrific effect on people’s lives. Even worse is the leader who acclimates himself to a state of denial of his own personal responsibility. To compensate for the increasingly unsettled environment, he may begin to assign all of the spiritual shipwrecks of the past as those who were “wolves” or “rebellious.”

As I filtered through all of the material concerning spiritual abuse, I jotted down a series of questions concerning not just the church but the leader too. They were based more on a rhetorical nature that did not so much require an answer but rather an evaluation of the spiritual health of the place where this activity is taking place.

• What does spiritual abuse do to those who worship there? How does it affect their sense of worship and understanding of God?

• Can God have freedom to transform and can grace really do an adequate work in this atmosphere where fear, intimidation, and manipulation prevail?

• Can true spiritual growth and discipleship take place in this setting?

• What do the actions of the pastor have on his soul in the long term? This was a very troubling question to me personally. What dark things begin to take place in the soul of the pastor who exerts force in such a way that he is never challenged and held to a standard of accountability himself?

• Are his actions motivated by pride of place or position?

• Has he moved from being an under-shepherd to a lord over God’s heritage? Such spiritual abuse literally takes the place of God in the working of the church.

• Is there a sense of the grace of God reflected in any of the public ministry of the Word?

• Is there an attempt to place heavy weights on the people he is called to shepherd?

• Does he empower people to live in a venue of spiritual growth in a public setting as well as within the private confines of the heart?

• Are implications given that the church one serves in is the only church that has the ability to prepare people for eternity?

• Is there an attitude by the spiritual leader that seems to promote a sense of spiritual elitism and aloofness around the members of the church?

• Is he placed on a pedestal on a spiritual plane and material plane above them?

• What is his standard of living compared to those he pastors?

• Is there a feeling of subtle paranoia expressed by the people of being afraid to associate with other churches that may not be entirely similar in principles but hold the same level of doctrinal commitment to the apostolic message?

A pastor who resorts to spiritual abuse will use shame and manipulation to wield his sense of authority. He will take emotional and traumatic failures and use them in a manner to spiritually blackmail and discredit them. Shame is a very powerful tool to use when it comes to having absolute control over the people. Johnson and Vonderen in their book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse identifies seven distinct characteristics of shame-based relationships that pastors will resort to using. Shaming takes place in the course of general church life. It is used such a way to imply that this person may be so weak and defective that they are nothing in comparison to other church members. Through this kind of action the shamed person may feel unloved, unaccepted, an inability to fit in, of no real value, and isolated and alone.

The abuser will begin to quite verbally and publicly shame people. He will use name-calling, belittling put-downs and comparisons to others. A focus on performance that implies how a person behaves is more important than real spiritual change that takes place at the level of the heart.

Another technique that is used will manipulate people into various circles of influence that helps him to control the whole group. It works with a series of unspoken rules that people are afraid to over-step because of their fear of the fallout. There is almost as if they think that some measure of punishment that may come to them and will either hurt them or embarrass them. There may be times that he will even resort to work within a family so that the majority of a family stands with the abuser against a single victim. Now the person who is experiencing the brunt of the abuse has no one to turn to because the pastor and his own family is opposed to him.

The abuser is masterful at using a “grapevine” network instead of meeting them face-to-face to work toward a solution to the problem. When there is a face-to-face meeting the abuser pours on humiliation and contempt in such a way that the person has no way to respond positively to the correction. It can be very wilting both spiritually and psychologically to the person who experiences this kind of treatment.

The fourth characteristic of shame-based relationships works with a system of idolatry that makes God nothing more than an impossible to please judge who is constantly seeking to destroy.Instead of changing God into a graven image, He is changed into a nit-picking, harsh, and very narrow being who is so concerned with performance at the expense of grace that no person can live up to. The necessary observation to be entertained is this changing of the nature of God breaks the first commandment and encroaches on the change in the nature of God. This is the great mistake that the reprobate man was guilty of in Romans 1. There was the nature of being changed into something that He was not. Spiritual abusers are guilty of this action!

Another characteristic is a preoccupation with fault and blame. The force behind this gives the abuser power because any confession that is given will be an opportunity for him to know who to shame and hold them hostage to their actions. Buried reality is a principle that gives the implication that any thought, opinion, or feeling that is opposed to the one who is in authority must be denied. This dilemma creates angst in the mind of the followers because should they see some principle in operation in their church environment that they do not agree with; instead of dealing with it in a healthy and spiritual way, they are forced to suppress their own thoughts that oppose that of the leader.

Because of this people are unable to work through the challenges of life that life present to them for the fear of having to endure the shame that will be poured out on them if they are not in lockstep with the rest of the group. This is the most dangerous of all of the actions of shame-based relationships because it operates in such a way to induce mental pressures that may lead to a complete collapse of their psychological system. The people who are often under the duress of this kind of dynamic will experience stress-related illnesses. Sometimes it can lead to a total mental shutdown requiring psychiatric care. There are various types of medical conditions that health care professionals immediately recognize to be related to the mental hygiene or lack thereof in the presentation of the patients. The mind is a very powerful device that has much impact on the natural function of the human body. Some spiritual abusers may or may not be aware of this but usually in the cases where the victim finally does breakdown, it is looked upon almost gleefully as an act of God that “took care” of the problem so to speak. What does it say about the abuser who feels this way???

The last characteristic of shame-based relationships has to do with the relationships within the group. There appears a great disparity that is demonstrated by a strong over-involvement or a complete lack of involvement. This kind of relationship with the group causes people to manifest various traits such as a fear of being deserted, lack of self-discipline, rebelling against the structure, a high need of structure, a sense that if there is a problem the solution comes only through self-reliance, putting up boundaries that keep safe people away, and strong feelings of guilt even when nothing has been violated. As you can see, the enemy of the soul loves to take advantage of these kinds of situations so he can create strongholds in their minds that warps them for future service (2 Cor. 10:1-5).

In the environment where spiritual abuse predominates there are frequent references in the public setting of preaching and in the private times of counseling that commonly brings up subjects like rebellion, accusations of causing dissension, and other methods of emotional intimidation. He will emphasize his own personal “anointing” and calling in an exclusive manner which serves in a way that dictates more than it serves. Frequently he will state that you cannot touch God’s anointed. He will call to mind biblical references of Korah, Dathan, Abiram, Absalom, and even Judas as a measure of control that heaps on guilt and further empowers the leader. He can also even resort to bringing in outside ministers who serve as nothing more than “hired guns” to eviscerate emotionally, spiritually and psychologically a congregation with a so-called sermon. Usually there is some aura about the merchants of Balaam and they are cast in the role of a prophet that is not to be crossed. However my strong contention to this kind of manipulation is that the visiting “prophet” has done nothing more than to merchandize his own calling to a lesser standard motivated by what Peter called “filthy lucre.”

This emphasis on authority will be so much to the effect that the person enduring this malicious behavior of the abuser will soon discover a creeping depression or a spiritual numbness overcoming their mind. The cycle darkens when the accused begins to manufacture feelings that if they were “spiritual” enough then they would not be in the place where they are now. They have a real concern that they are indeed living in open rebellion to the authority of God. Over the course of time, spiritual abuse damages spiritual development and leads to damaged souls who have no real ability to respond properly to God and the church. In fact, I have witnessed with my own eyes what I call spiritual pygmies who have never overcome the abuse that a spiritually abusive leader heaped on them decades ago.

Spiritually abusive leaders constantly drive home the fact that members are never doing enough. It can be a very simple laundry list of good and disciplined practices that enhance our relationship with God but the demands of performance have such power over the person until it wilts them down. The demands can be: not praying enough, not giving enough, not “spiritual” enough, not praising enough. In doing this the abuser gains even more control by placing the heavy burden of human performance on the congregation until it will never measure up to the spiritual demands that are being made.

Spiritual abusers are usually very tuned into the personal lives of those whom they tower over and will use their knowledge of those details to control them. They will take personal sickness, sick children, financial maladies, nagging wives and abusive husbands, unruly children, and a myriad of other life situations to say that this is the judgment of God because of their lack of submission to authority. There are times that the spiritual abuser will imply that he has come to the information because of direct revelation from God. In actuality the information came to him simply because he fills the role of a pastor. His truth twisting that God has revealed this to him only serves to heighten his control of the people because they may fear his seeming clairvoyance into their lives. The truth is that all people have problems and it simply comes with the territory called life. While the church is confined to the world there always will be constant struggles with the world, the flesh, and the devil. To place a heavier burden on people for these kinds of calamities of life is unconscionable, deceptive, and malicious.

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It's Not a People Problem - It's a Situation Problem

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The Dark Side of Spiritual Abuse - Part 5

What I increasingly discovered was in these dark spiritually abusive environments, it serves as excellent and fertile conditions for hypocrisy to prevail. As you dig deeper into these environments you soon discover dark, deviant sins and moral corruption simmering beneath the surface. I believe that the huge level of repression that takes place in these “churches” does nothing except bring out the worst sins of the flesh. Although when someone finally does decide to speak up concerning the matter of these dark sins, the leader usually resorts to efforts of damage control so that the leadership and the church do not have a soiling of “reputation.” Man hasn’t really learned any new tricks about covering sin; he still resorts to insufficient fig leaves just as Adam and Eve did at the beginning of the state of man.

What I also found to be very surprising is that most of the time the wife of the leader will also work toward damage control. She will do everything within her power to live up to the social pressures of maintaining some semblance of normalcy in the various relationships she has within the church. She apparently has come to understand that the dark side of her mate can shift on her as much as it does with those people he is taking advantage of. So instead of dealing with the moral and spiritual failure that is present things are left to follow the course of gravity. Gravity leads the person to maintain an environment of manipulation and absolute mind control on those people he is supposed to serve.

While I have written about the traits and characteristics of those who are involved in a spiritually abusive environment, I have not been specific with practices of spiritual abuse. I will list some of the practices while leaving some of the most extreme situations out as some would probably be absolutely shocked to know this kind of thing takes place under the guise of religion. So here are some actual practices of spiritual abuse:

• A member having to submit financial records to the church leader and the leader determines how and when they are to spend their money.

• A member having to sell various things on a constant basis to feed the coffers of the church so that it entirely benefits the leader.

• A wide disparity between the lifestyle of the leader and the members. He lives like a king while the members appear to live at a level of poverty or barely just able to get by.

• The leader using a “word of knowledge” or “word of wisdom” to pick a spouse for those who are in the congregation.

• Members being absolutely forbidden to question the direction the leader takes or question the decisions he is making.

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The Dark Side of Spiritual Abuse - Part 5

• A member having to submit financial records to the church leader and the leader determines how and when they are to spend their money.

• A member having to sell various things on a constant basis to feed the coffers of the church so that it entirely benefits the leader.

• A wide disparity between the lifestyle of the leader and the members. He lives like a king while the members appear to live at a level of poverty or barely just able to get by.

• The leader using a “word of knowledge” or “word of wisdom” to pick a spouse for those who are in the congregation.

• Members being absolutely forbidden to question the direction the leader takes or question the decisions he is making.

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