Article for Ministers: Why Do I Feel so Alone although I Minister to Others?

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Although you may feel like you are the only one, you are not. A large percentage of other pastors and ministers also feel isolated and alone even as they minister to crowds of people on a regular basis. The feeling of isolation or of being alone plagues many ministers and their spouses. This article identifies 12 causes and potential solutions. It also validates a few of the many needs for spiritual Fathers and/or mentors.

The vast majority of Christian leaders do not actually have a mentor or spiritual father in their life.

Each of the following topics could be a guideline for validating the need for a mentor in your life and ministry.

The Isolation of the Calling

If you truly have a calling from God you may be the only one with that particular call. Even a quick cursory review of the Bible reveals men like Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Elijah, Jeremiah who felt the pain of isolation and solitude. They had no peers.

Elijah even stated once that he was the only one like himself, but God quickly corrected him by saying there were 7000 others similar to him. Your isolation may have many ingredients such as location, a unique but misunderstood calling, not relating to the people around you, and many others.

Regardless of the reason(s) for your isolation you need to understand that there is someone somewhere who can relate to you. It is your responsibility to climb out of your box of isolation. Of course, God always understands, but there are times you also need people. Just having someone to listen to you is not always enough. You need someone with wisdom and sage advice who can help direct you forward. Perhaps you need a mentor? The right mentor will help you use the isolation of the calling as an advantage to become more effective.

The Solitude of Alone Time

Solitude is a two-edged sword. Although it is healthy to have alone time for self, meditation, exercise, relaxation and prayer, it can also become a dark pit of separation and despair. You must not close out the essential people around you. Your family, staff, and peers each need the right amounts of time with you and your input.

If you do not have alone time in your schedule it is imperative that you work toward finding time for it. You must use your alone time wisely by assuring that there is some personal growth value associated with it. You must also establish some mind guards because an idle mind can wander into areas it should not go into. Always remember that the adversary may use your alone time to speak his deceits into your thoughts.

What has solitude done or not done for you? A mentor could help validate that your alone time is really being beneficial to your life and ministry.

The Abandonment of Things You Love

It is not uncommon for your calling or vocation to necessitate relocation. Often in the pursuit of God’s will one finds themself in a place they would prefer not to be. Leaving behind loved ones, familiar surroundings, careers, friends, retirement, and even cultures exacts a heavy toll over process of time. Missed birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals weigh heavy on a caring heart. Going home to find that children have grown and elders have really aged can bring grief, regret, depression, and questions.

There has to be a balance. What is reasonable sacrifice and what is not? Are you absolutely sure of your calling?

A seasoned mentor understands that in one’s youth they will do and commit to things without fully realizing the toll time will take. It is always wise to deal with realities and ramifications early on, or to at least be made aware of them.

False Assumptions

One of the hardest things to deal with is coping with the consequence of unrealized assumptions. Whether you are the leader or the follower you are dependent upon the actions of others. When promises are voided and people abandon, or at best disappoint you, there is an aftermath of feelings and emotions to deal with. The end result can be anger, bitterness and anxiety. These are the works of the flesh. What happens to you is not as important as your response to it. Anyone wrestling with such feelings and emotions would do well to open up to and listen to a seasoned mentor. All of these things can be used for the good if you allow such to occur in you.

Driving Goals and Aspirations Through Others

The peril of leadership is hinged upon the fact that most of what you desire to accomplish must be done through others. The stress of creating organizational unity in a dysfunctional culture exacts a heavy toll. Hidden agendas, disloyalties, dereliction of duty, abdication of responsibility can drain a leader’s energy and creativity. However, the goal is attainable. A good mentor is an ally to make sure you ask the right questions, stay on track, and remain focused.

The Glass House

Even a casual observer of a presidential election understands that nothing in a candidate’s life is sacred or out of bounds from the media’s scrutiny. Hollywood stars are constantly plagued by the paparazzi. Pastor’s and church leaders must comprehend that they and their families also live in a glass house. Although it isn’t always fair you will be held to a higher level of scrutiny and accountability. There will always be the possibility of false rumors and gossip as your motives and actions are critiqued by the uninformed. It is hard to not take things personally or to respond inappropriately. A wise mentor might be the voice you need to help still the storm of feelings and emotions, or point you to the light when darkness closes in.

Always Having to Produce

Pastors and other leaders always find that no matter how much they have done, they still must produce more. If you have preached 1000 great sermons, even a short string of flops will soon have people saying that you have lost it. In every category of leadership there is always a need to produce again and again. Eventually you find that as a leader you too are only human. You are not the “Iron Man” some think you to be. If you are having trouble balancing the inflow and the outflow then you need to pause now and re-evaluate your life, schedule, habits and routine.

Mentors are able to be more objective when evaluating you with external eyes. A good mentor can help you re-adjust your schedule, learn new habits, and abandon negative behaviors for the benefit of all.

Divided Loyalties

Pastors are constantly pulled by divided loyalties. Some cut short their much needed vacation because someone in the congregation gets sick. Others neglect spouses and children while spending too many hours with people who simply demand their personal time and attention. Quite often leaders find themselves counseling in areas they are not qualified to counsel in. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for dysfunction and animosity to creep into a pastoral family because of divided loyalties. A mentor can help you keep your priories in order and save you from the train wrecks caused by long-term neglect and abandonment.

Living with Regrets

One of the saddest legacies is for one to spend their life serving others only to live with regrets in the latter years. Everyone lives life moving forward but understand it looking backward; therefore some things do not make sense until you have lived long enough to learn life’s hard lessons. Every pastor needs a mentor who has been through enough life experiences to identify and relate to the decisions, choices, pitfalls and mistakes that lead to regrets. Now is the time to look at everything you are doing.

When Promises Fail

Have you ever relocated to assume a role or position of responsibility based on the promises of someone else? If you have, or are considering such a change, then you must realize that more often than not unwritten promises are easily cast aside and forgotten by those who made them. At other times the person who made the promise to you has been replaced and the promise voided by their successor. Whether you are dealing with failed or unrealized promises, or contemplating a change based upon promises, you should consult a mentor to help you make sure you are thinking or questioning correctly. It is your life and your ministry and you do not want to make a mistake if one can be avoided.

The Peril of Disconnecting from Reality

It is very frustrating and demoralizing to be a leader that is disconnected from reality. It is equally frustrating to be a follower of a leader who is disconnected from reality. If you are not prepared for leadership you will only harm yourself and those who follow you. It is unfair to drag your family through failure and disappointment again and again simply because you never counted the cost before making the decision to begin a life-changing undertaking. The Bible says if you are going to go to war or build a tower to first make sure you have everything you need to finish it.

The value of a mentor is that external voice of experience that has no hidden agenda. The sole purpose of a mentor is to help you stay on the best path upward for the will of God for your life. A small investment in a mentor may save you from a huge loss of the quality and happiness of life.

Separation from God

Many church leaders have been so busy doing the work of God that they lose connection with God. It is so easy working for God that one may never learn to work with God. It would be a sad ending for you as a leader to gain the whole world only to lose your own soul. Perhaps your dilemma is that due to talent, skill, education, or access to technology you succeeded in ministry without having to be connected to God. Perhaps privilege or heritage positioned you to a place of leadership but you somehow bypassed the essential role of discipleship. These and a host of other scenarios increase your odds of abject failure or moral breakdown.

Now is the opportune time to critically examine your connection to God. It is always in your best interest to have an outside person play the role of critical evaluator. A critical evaluator is someone who will ask the right questions to keep you honest with yourself. A seasoned mentor is most often the best source to perform that role.

The Easy Solution is Available and Affordable

Our goal at ChurchMentor.net is to make mentoring for your ministry available, affordable, and practical for you and your busy schedule. Check us out. www.ChurchMentor.net is the solution and partner you need to succeed at what God has called you to do.

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As A Man Thinketh

I have so many titles for this article running through my head. "Stinking Thinking". "As A Man Thinketh In His Heart". "You Are What You Think". "So Go The Thoughts, So Go The Man". Let me start by asking you a few questions.

Are you totally discouraged right now?
Do you feel overwhelmed?
Is your mental thought process completely shut down?
Do you feel trapped?

I have a friend who consistently responds “I’m happy and blessed” when I ask him how he is doing. Now I like this guy, I really do. But, sometimes, I just want to say “get real" when he tells me that. I don’t know, maybe he really is happy all the time. I guess it’s possible. Anything is possible right?!

I’m going to get blasted over this article. I’m going to get tons of emails from the "Happy All The Time Crowd". They’re going to tell me I’ve gone off the deep end. They will let me know that the Christian should always be happy. It’s our right. It’s our obligation. We should always have this enormous smile that tells everyone around us that we are HAPPY.

Christians are not allowed to get bummed out. Christians, especially Christian ministers are definitely not allowed to sink to the cloud of discouragement. A minister should never allow himself to get to a place of feeling down. Right?

Sounds good doesn’t it. But in the real world that’s a bunch of baloney. Just ask the old Prophet of God. One minute he’s killing off 500 false prophets, and wishing he could die the next.

You might agree with me that most preachers are emotional people. Now some people out there are not real emotional, but most of the preachers I know are people who allow emotion to guide them. Now that’s not a bad thing. I’m convinced that the Lord has a hard time using people who are hard to move emotionally. This is why he anointed David to be king when he was only a boy. God said of David, “He’s after my heart”. Other words, he’s a person who is able to touch me with his emotion. Without emotion, David would be led of his own ideas and agenda. But, since he was a person whose heart could be touched, God said, “I’ll use him in ways he never imagined he could be used.”

Emotion is a good thing. We need to be emotional! God is emotional. Look what the scriptures tell us about him.

He gets angry.
He gets jealous.
He laughs.
He’s emotional!

We, being created in his image are allowed the same privilege of being emotional.

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Are you totally discouraged right now?
Do you feel overwhelmed?
Is your mental thought process completely shut down?
Do you feel trapped?

Sounds good doesn’t it. But in the real world that’s a bunch of baloney. Just ask the old Prophet of God. One minute he’s killing off 500 false prophets, and wishing he could die the next.

Emotion is a good thing. We need to be emotional! God is emotional. Look what the scriptures tell us about him.

He gets angry.
He gets jealous.
He laughs.
He’s emotional!

We, being created in his image are allowed the same privilege of being emotional.

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After A Really Really Really Bad Day

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I wake up Friday morning, thinking, ok the worst is behind us. It's a brand new day, right?! Wrong. All I did was turn my head and sneeze. That's all. But now my neck has gone into a spasm and the vertebrae are out and I can't move my neck in any direction more than an inch without causing excruciating pain. So I lay on the bed for an hour. Unable to move. (6 days, and 2 chiropractor appointments later, I'm still in pain.) Boy this is starting out to be a bad day. Unable to get an appointment with a chiropractor, I suffered though a very painful day at the computer, with set back after set back on site development. Finally after a long, frustrating, painful day, my wife and I (still suffering) go to bed hoping tomorrow will be better.

Two hours later the phone rings. It's Kristi, our 17 year old. She was driving back from church camp, a 2.5 hour drive from Indianapolis and fell asleep at the wheel. All she could tell us was that she was in a wreck. She didn't know where she was at and the car is totaled. We asked her if anyone had stopped to help her. "No". "Do you see any road signs?" Frantic and in shock, she replied in tears, "No, I don't know where I'm at." I cannot tell you how fearful my wife and I were. Not only were we not able to tell the police where she was, but we really did not know her condition since she was in shock and unable to tell us very much.

Guessing her time of departure and the approximate distance in the trip, I called the State Police and told them the situation and to look for her on Route 65 between Rensselaer and Lowe, about a 60 mile stretch. Amazingly the phone rings 10 minutes later and the fire department has found her 1 mile off the exit ramp from Rensselaer To our relief she is bruised, but ok. God really had his hand on her. She hit the guardrail at around 65 MPH, completely destroying the guardrail and totaled out the car.

But God is good isn't He! At the end of a second very bad day, I got to hold my baby girl in my arms and thank God for keeping her from certain death. Holding her, I realized that by all rights, we should be in a hospital room seeing the worst.

We can complain about the neck spasms, dog fights, broken bones, and bad days at the office, but when it's all over we really just need to stop and thank the Lord for breath. Thank Him for our children. Thank Him for a job, any job. We would complain about the old junk car that we are driving, but we need to notice the old lady walking home from the grocery store with bags in her arms and a long walk ahead of her. How blessed we really are.

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Over 7 billion people on this planet today are missing out on Heaven. We have churches who run 50 and are Pastored by people who are quite satisfied with 50. We also have churches running 50 who are Pastored by people who are so bothered because they cannot get their church to grow, that they doubt they were truly called to the ministry. These people get so frustrated, that they give up and are defeated by their inability to reach their community.....

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One town may have a growing populating while another may have a shrinking population. Industry is brining people into one area and as a result the pews seem to fill up all by themselves. Factory shutdowns may be causing another town to be losing its population, hence it looks like the church is not doing a good job since it too is shrinking......

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One question we often hear is "Why does it work in other churches, but not in our church?" We recently came across these five reasons:

One church may be in a small rural community where it is easy to develop close personal relationships. Another may be in a big city where shallow impersonal relationships are the standard. (In the country they all wave to each other – even to strangers. In the metro areas, they don’t speak to one another even when they walk abreast on the streets.
One town may have a growing populating while another may have a shrinking population. Industry is brining people into one area and as a result the pews seem to fill up all by themselves. Factory shutdowns may be causing another town to be losing its population, hence it looks like the church is not doing a good job since it too is shrinking......

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People are very busy, don’t burden them with mere activities.

Many full time church leaders do not understand the time constraints of the working saint and their family.
Many homes are two income homes where families seldom have time for one another.
God and church should be at the center of our lives, however church leadership needs to realize that people need a break once in a while as well.
We live in a different world than we did 30 years ago and the family unit is suffering as a result.
It would be a good exercise for church leadership to see how they can cut the church calendar 20% by removing unproductive activities.....

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People are very busy, don’t burden them with mere activities.

Many full time church leaders do not understand the time constraints of the working saint and their family.
Many homes are two income homes where families seldom have time for one another.
God and church should be at the center of our lives, however church leadership needs to realize that people need a break once in a while as well.
We live in a different world than we did 30 years ago and the family unit is suffering as a result.
It would be a good exercise for church leadership to see how they can cut the church calendar 20% by removing unproductive activities.....

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