Home Friendship Groups - The Individual

I doubt there has ever been a day or society more dysfunctional than the one we are living in today.

Children are growing up in homes with absent and all too often abusive fathers and mothers. These children grow up in an emotionally or physically abusive atmosphere. One recent statistic stated that 1/3 of the homes in America are verbally abusive homes. Where husbands stop short of hitting their wives, but instead wound them with words that cut deep into her heart and emotional make up. Many husbands are grown men with childhood scars that leave them wounded little boys for the rest of their lives. These same men are often emotionally unable to minister to the sensitive needs of their own children and thus a new generation of dysfunctional adults are born.

The individual is wounded, emotionally scarred and hurting spiritually. There is in America a vacuum of need in the individual's life. It may well be said that there has never been a time when this vacuum has been greater.

We have a Savior who can answer the needs of the individual, yet with this wonderful touch of God on our lives, we are all too often unable to transfer God's loving touch to the hurting, needy individual.

Where is the catalyst that will bring Christ to this hurting world? The catalyst is the Church, yet the catalyst is sometimes unable to accomplish her part. We have to ask ourselves, why? The disciples tried their best to shut Blind Bartimaeus up. They were so inebriated with their own relationship with Jesus that they almost angrily tried to shoo Bartimaeus away. Never noticing his need, they said, "Leave the Master alone".

The individual in America is an emotional mess, with wounds and scars that alcohol, drugs and psychologists cannot heal. The Church is this person's only hope. However, in the traditional church setting, the individual is not always wholly ministered to. Many people have needs that cannot be completely met in the traditional church service. If a silent poll were taken in the average church, I believe we would be surprised to hear what some people would say concerning their personal, spiritual and emotional needs being met.

In the Home Friendship Group setting, the individual has an opportunity to not only be ministered to, but to minister to others. The Bible does tell us to "edify one another". A true family unit is developed when adult members share in the responsibility of preparing food for fellowship times, praying & worshiping together, caring for the children of the group, and hosting meetings in one another's homes.

The Ideal Mentor Always...

1.  Tells you the truth – even when it hurts. 

One man who has been one of my mentors for almost 18 years especially stands out because of his honesty with me.  Early in my ministry and marriage, he pulled me aside and explained to me that I was not very respectful to my wife in public.  He explained that the ladies of the church would not honor me as a minister for this reason.  At the time I was offended that he would tell me this as I thought I was very good to my wife.  However, years later, I see where he was coming from.  I’m grateful that he was bold enough and honest enough to talk to me about a sensitive subject.  Honoring my wife and publicly showing her affection has not only given me respect among the other ladies of the church, but has also been a blessing to our marriage.

2.  Shows a good example for you to follow.

The old cliché “Do as I say, not as I do.” Does not work in mentoring.  A lifelong mentor should be someone who is a model of who you want to become.  Everyone is a little bit like the people who have parented them.   Part of a mentor’s role is to let the protégé watch them closely in the work that they do.  One of my mentors would often times invite me to sit in on important meetings that I had no experience in.  I would never say a word unless asked my input.  I understood that I was there to observe and to learn.  I watched my mentor closely to see how he handled fragile situations that I had no experience in.  I would often ask myself how I would handle these often sensitive meetings, but would then watch my mentor expertly handle delicate subjects with Godly wisdom.

3.  Sees you as family.

Mentoring someone is a life long commitment.  Your best mentors are not people who are only a part of your life for a short amount of time.  A mentor sees you as a son or daughter in the Gospel.  Paul who mentored Timothy referred to him as his son.  Anything less than a family level commitment may prove to be a surface only relationship between mentor and protégé.  Often times, subjects discussed in a mentoring relationship are sensitive and personal.  A protégé needs to know that he is going to someone who is a father figure who only has the protégé’s best interest in mind. 

4.  Shows himself/herself to be open and transparent with you.

A good mentor is someone who is not afraid to talk to those they mentor about their failures as well as their successes.  My father would often say to me, “Don’t make the same mistakes that I have made.”  This is a good reason for mentors to be open with their protégés.  You may save that person a tremendous amount of pain and numerous mistakes by revealing to them the mistakes you yourself have made along the way.

Borrowing Comfort From The Past

So many times we are told to step out of our past when it seems to hold us hostage with details of failure, mistakes, and setbacks. I have often had to challenge my past with various Truths and dismantle the Structure Of Defeat it had erected in my heart and mind. It is so easy to look back to whatever you see and feel, and build our future out of those things. Today, I want to do something much better with our past: Look deeply at it and Borrow Comfort And Help.

When David had to face the man Goliath, he had to reach into yesterday and vividly recall just how good God had been to him regarding a lion and bear. Knowing in himself it was not his ability alone that won the victory, but the Lord had been with him. The God who had worked in and for him would show Himself the very same now, showing us he had received comfort and strength from his past. Getting the good from our past, I think, requires a greater deal of effort than recalling bad things, for the negative just seems to show up, but good has to be reached for. Of course our enemy loves to flash our past errors on the screen of our soul, but the Holy Ghost delights to use our past to bring honor to God.

Samson also used the past to get some help from when he had killed a lion and, after awhile, Bees had used the animal to build a place for some fresh honey. By taking time to taste honey from a past victory, he, too, had been helped by his past. I just wonder how many dead lions and honey spots are all over our yesterdays just waiting for us to both visit and extract help from?

Fish Bowl Mentality

Few people will deny the theory that a local church stops growing as the size of the church building reaches 80% capacity.  The reason for this is purely human and not so spiritual.  Most people simply will not tolerate feeling crowded in the pews.  Using chairs instead of pews helps this problem somewhat, but eventually the congregants feel like their space is being invaded and soon become uncomfortable.

However, this is not the biggest reason for a church's lack of growth or the reaching of certain size and then growth stopping. 

We use the analogy that a fish will only grow to a certain size in a small fish bowl but in a larger pond for instance, the fish can grow much larger.  I’m not so sure however, that God’s church should so easily be compared to a fish.  I suggest that the building however, is not necessarily the problem in most cases.  In fact, we have all seen churches who were literally bursting out at the seams.  In many parts of the world today, revival is happening at an unprecedented rate.  Pews are packed and chairs are in the aisles.  Some churches are utilizing 2-3 services per day to accommodate the crowds. 

While it is true that most people don’t like to be in a crowded atmosphere, it is also true that people will come when they are being fed.  Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me Peter?”   Peter responded in the affirmative and when he did, our Lord told him to “Feed my sheep.”  He did not tell Peter to house them or get them plenty of exercise.  He told him to “Feed Them."

Time Management

Today I yield the floor to one of my mentors. Dr. Fred Childs is a leading church consultant, organizational development expert, and leadership authority. He and Monica reside in Pearland, Texas. Dr. Childs ministry of leadership development within the church has transformed my ministry through the years.

His books and training material have revolutionized hundreds of churches and ministries. His personal testimony is one of many miracles with a very powerful pulpit ministry.

In the last decade, Microsoft introduced its Windows 95 operating system. As one of the many who utilized this software, I would routinely sit and wait the few minutes for my computer to boot up. I never pondered the immense importance of these wasted daily minutes until I participated in a corporate time management seminar in 1996. I was shocked to discover that the cumulative total of the time wasted as individuals waited the few minutes for Windows 95 to boot up exceeded ten thousand man years per day!

Time is valuable. In training and facilitating several thousand professional and corporate teams, I have documented millions of dollars in bottom-line savings and multiplied productivity simply by eliminating the wasted time from the operating processes used to manufacture goods and produce services. The root cause of the rise or fall of many organizations is their ability to manage time efficiently and effectively.

Time is life, and it is perhaps our most precious resource. It can be a tremendous friend or foe, and it is ours to do with as we please. Every moment should be cherished, for it is a commodity that can never be replenished. It is used once and then it is gone forever.

One of the greatest keys to effective leadership is the proper utilization of time resources. There is no greater example of time mastery than the life and ministry of Jesus Christ. Scriptural study cannot reveal a single wasted minute in the life, ministry and actions of Jesus! A tremendous example of His personal mastery over time and priorities was in the account of Lazarus. John 11:6 says, “When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.”

Addicted To Anger?

Anyone can become angry.  That is easy.  But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not easy. - Aristotle

Some of you will not appreciate us quoting from Aristotle, but you have to admit, the guy has a good point.  Anger can eat a person up.  Your true potential as a minister of God can be thwarted by un-harnessed anger.

People who explode and express anger easily can cause great harm to those they are called to encourage.  It’s important for us to understand anger and its potential to destroy.

Exploding because someone hurt you.  When most people get hurt they cry out.  This is natural.  But it is not healthy to express anger every time someone hurts your feelings. 

A good leader has the ability to harness his anger and even displace it toward healthy and more productive avenues.  Mistreating someone because they hurt you is not just.  It is bullying. 

It is entirely possible that the person who hurt you did it unintentionally and without malice.  You would be wise to forgive them quickly and swallow that anger before you create a fissure in a relationship that cannot be mended.

Being addicted to anger.  Some people love to be angry.  They enjoy the feeling of superiority they get when they have told someone off.   They actually look for opportunities to get after someone or give someone a hard time.  Certain hormones even create a strong physical sensation when they really get mad. 

These people are addicted to this hormone and the emotion of anger and have no place in church leadership.  It is important to be a person of peace.  If you find yourself constantly getting angry at others for little reasons, you might be addicted to anger.  Just like any other addict, you can actually build up a tolerance for this drug.  Once this happens, you will find it necessary to constantly become angrier in order to get the same euphoria.  This could end in a terrible way if you do not get deliverance from this addiction. 

Using anger to exploit.  Most people learn to exploit by anger at a very early age.  Babies learn quickly to cry out in anger when they are not getting what they want.  They will use anger tantrums to control their parents who simply want to appease them.

These same people grow up believing that they can use anger to get their way all the time.  On the job, they will use anger to cause others to cave into their demands.  These people may not stomp their feet in the workplace or church office, but you know when they are mad and they will use this to control others.

How To Lead Critics

Get up before they get up.  If you are lazy and don’t get started on things until the last minute, your critics will have already accomplished an alternative less effective way of doing things.

Do your homework – Study the situation.  Don’t take other peoples word for it.  Research the problem and with God’s help, find the best solution.  

You run the meetings – Never let anyone but you or someone you desire, to run a meeting.  If they take the platform, shut them down.  Don’t let them take over the meeting.  Never walk into a meeting without knowing the direction and result that the meeting will bring.

Know the trouble makers past – Find out what makes that person tick.  Why are they the way they are?  Knowing more about them will enable you to understand why they feel the way they feel about things and enable you to change them.

Share your vision with others before your critic gets the opportunity to share theirs.  These are busy little people and they work hard at spreading their opinions.  Work harder!  Have coffee meetings where you tell others your dreams and vision.  Go to congregants homes unexpectedly (As your critics do.) and open your heart to them.

Be confident.  No one wants a sissy for a Pastor. (Sorry if that sounds demeaning, but I’ve seen some.)  Don’t be bullied.  Be strong.  Know your calling.  Walk tall.  Square your shoulders.  Lead!  People will follow.   You may lose some critics along the way, (Let them go!) but you will gain a congregation who will follow you into revival.

Reducing Organizational Costs

The fundamental purpose for organization is to coordinate a system of talents, resources, and operating structure toward the purpose of attaining a shared corporate vision.

It must be understood that in the pursuit of a vision an organization can be either a benefit or a detriment. In its purest form organization is merely a tool to achieve a specified purpose. Since it is merely a tool the organization can be changed or modified at any time. If it is achieving its purpose then simply improve it as needed along the journey. If it is hindering the purpose one must always remember that as a tool it can be modified or redesigned at any time in order to fulfill its essential role in vision attainment. Simply stated, organization can be a blessing or a curse, an enabler or a hindrance.

One of the stark contrasts between God and man is that God always organizes by creating organisms, and man organizes to create organizations. Since an organization is a tool and is organized by man it can never be allowed to take on the form of a holy thing.

The perfect Biblical illustration occurs when the children of Israel were being plagued and bitten by fiery serpents and dying. Numbers 21:7-9 says:

7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, "We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD and against you; pray to the LORD that He take away the serpents from us." So Moses prayed for the people. 8 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Make a fiery serpent, and set it on a pole; and it shall be that everyone who is bitten, when he looks at it, shall live." 9 So Moses made a bronze serpent, and put it on a pole; and so it was, if a serpent had bitten anyone, when he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived.

NKJV

God allowed the structure of the brass serpent to fulfill a designated purpose. However, after the purpose was fulfilled, the people should have destroyed the brass serpent, but they did not. Later it became a curse to them, because when Hezekiah began to purge the kingdom of idolatry the Bible says in 2 Kings 18:4:

KJV4 He removed the high places, and brake the images, and cut down the groves, and brake in pieces the brasen serpent that Moses had made: for unto those days the children of Israel did burn incense to it: and he called it Nehushtan.

Anytime an organizational tool becomes elevated to the role of a holy thing it then becomes an idol. Organizational idolatry is as real as any other form of idolatry. Once the tool has fulfilled its useful purpose and intent and is no longer relevant it must be discarded. Otherwise the tendency of people is to elevate it and reverence it beyond its original intent. 

Normally an organization begins when a small group of people unite around a common and shared vision. As success occurs, support positions and processes are put in place to forward the progress and maintain momentum. However there is a great risk in growing the organization, because there can come a point in which it cost more time and resources to maintain the organizational system than is expended on pressing toward its vision and purpose. At this point the organization begins to atrophy. At best it becomes stagnant and unresponsive to change as a slow but inevitable death begins to overtake it.

The only way to offset this is to keep the organization relevant, fresh and flexible. One way of doing this is to continually focus on minimizing absolutely all non-essential operating costs of the organization. There are several layers that must be considered when reducing operating costs.

A Word To The Next Generation Of Leaders

"Being a young, next-gen leader is a difficult calling."

You think differently than your more conventional colleagues. YOU CHALLENGE, REINVENT, AND MIX IT UP. You buck traditional models of leadership and you're constantly on the hunt for new ones. Many of your peers and elders in the ministry may not understand your calling.

Keep in mind a few things...

• It's important to see where other men have been. It is easy to stand on the sidelines and critique other people’s ministries. Keep in mind, you have not walked in their shoes or been where they have been.
  
  The mistake that too many young ministers makes is to assume to have superior knowledge over an elder in the ministry who has struggled to make something happen. If you honor those men and women who have tilled the ground before you, God will give you the fruit of their labors.
  
  
• Your greatest asset as a leader will be your mentors. Every Man or Woman of God is a product of the ministers who have invested themselves into their ministries. There is nothing new under the sun and you are not unique from those who have mentored your life. For good or bad, the Pastors and Mentors of your life have touched your ministry. You have been affected by each of them. You have learned things to do and things not to do in your ministry by observing them. Your love and honor to them will determine the level of respect and honor that will be given to your own ministry.

• Stay close to someone more experienced. We learn from those who are able to teach us. If you surround your ministry with people who are less experienced or knowledgeable than yourself, you will become “dumbed-down”. Find some ministers who are heavily involved in the areas of ministry that you feel called to work and begin to glean from them. These men and women are usually very open to teaching a younger minister the ropes.