The Dark Side of Spiritual Abuse -- Part 1

Back in the summer, Brother Ensey sent out an e-mail soliciting papers to be written on various subjects and after musing through the choices, I started thinking more along the lines of a pastoral theology kind of subject. Although I am not quite sure how I finally settled on this particular issue, I have been thoroughly enlightened on this subject.

 

In the past, I have written on church trouble from the angle of people in the congregation who found great enthusiasm for tormenting pastors until they finally ran them off. The religious landscape is littered with men who no longer pastor churches and gave up the calling of a ministry because of a situation where they found themselves in great contention with the hidden powers that ran the church. If you are interested you may read those old Barnabas Blog posts from a couple of years ago (Part 1 & Part 2). Since writing those posts, I have observed a few more of these unfortunate situations as they unfolded.

On the other hand, there are also churches that have had endure terrible abuses at the hands of heavy-handed, manipulative, and dark pastors who fall into the category of being a spiritual abuser.

I must say from the outset that this kind of activity to me is totally foreign because of the environment that I grew up in with my own pastor (and now father-in-law) Joe Patterson. Because of his spiritual leadership, I grew up with the idea that the church was the most incredible, warm, and safe place on the earth. It was only after I begin to travel around a bit and grew up some spiritually and mentally that I was exposed to the dark side of the church and ministry. To be quite frank with you, it was a bit unnerving and initially faith-jarring.

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Bi-Vocational Pastors

If your ministry is only one of your jobs, here are 12 tips to make the road a little smother.  

In light of the fact that 50 percent of all North American churches have 75 people or fewer, many pastors do not receive full salary from the church they serve. This forces them to consider options such as finding other employment on the side or having a spouse work to help make ends meet.

1. Guard your attitudes. Sometimes it is hard for those “called into the ministry” to accept the fact that they may have to work “secular” jobs at times. These are understandable feelings, but will lead to bitterness of heart and cripple our ministries unless we overcome them.
   
2. Look primarily to God. It is easy to become resentful toward people if we look to them as our sources. God is our ultimate employer and provider, not the church.
   
3. Beware of get- rich-quick schemes. A pastor desperate for additional sources of income may be vulnerable to the allure of multilevel marketing and other “easy money” systems.
   
4. Assess the hidden costs of having a spouse that works. After the cost of travel, food on the road, child care, house cleaning etc, you may find that it is cheaper for them to stay home. A job or career is often times more of an outlet or escape. Check all the motives and the real cost involved.
   
5. Make the most of the situation while you’re at it. Working a secular job can actually have many overlooked benefits other than just additional income: contact with unchurched people and experience with realities of work environments.
   
6. Define your ministry. Bi-vocational pastors should beware of trying to have a “full- service” ministry. You need definite limits and boundaries. You cannot do everything, so you must have a clear focus for what you will handle.
   

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Guard The Gates – Part 3

Continuing this series on Guarding the Gates, which in concept really speaks of guarding the mind, we come to the third thing that can help you. In review, the first thing to do to guard the gates is to be given to study and the second thing is a minister has to be given to prayer. The third guard that you can put at the gate is a quest for personal holiness and godliness.

In the first message on this study, I mentioned the fact that when a man gives himself to disciplined and sanctified study, the stretching of the mind will directly affect the growth of the soul. Simply by nature of the study, the exposure to things in the Scriptures and the accompanying books the minister has available to him, we begin to understand how holy God is and how important it is for us to have acclimate it into our lives.

Holiness is important because of the nature of the work that a preacher must do. Never will I forget the story that was told in the very first class when I begin RN school in March 1985 that was told of Lewis Semmelweis. He was the guy who was laughed at because he outrageously claimed that dirty physicians’ hands were responsible for the death of the mothers who were dying from childbed fever. He was certain that the germs that were unseen were the culprits that were literally killing these young mothers.

I would be so bold as to assert that if my hands, heart, soul, and mind are not clean it will have some measure of impact on the congregation that I serve. In my mind, this ought to place a greater sense of responsibility on all men who bear the vessels of the Lord and they must be clean (Isaiah 52:11)! I also believe that for those who are quibbling about standards of holiness and are attempting to accuse those who are ardent adherents of a separated life of living in a condition of holiness that perhaps your vision has been clouded by the mists of worldliness that are so prevalent in our generation. We wouldn’t dare want a surgeon to operate on us if he had just come in from working in his garden and therefore a minister who has no real cleanliness of holiness about him shouldn’t be operating in the pulpit.

Jude uses strong words when he tells us that we will have to contend for the faith, which was once delivered to the saints. The faith is that dogma of doctrine that defines how to get into the church, who the church is and where it is to go. All of these components of the faith, while intricate, are very simply carried out by a man whose gates (mind) have been guarded by holiness. Jude when he spoke of the nature of this faith he also clearly stated that we have no right to modify it but the risk of it being altered escalated when there was a unholy alliance with “certain men” who managed to creep in “unawares.” Doctrinal purity and commitment to holiness will require vigilance on the part of clean men who have allowed personal holiness to be a guard at the gate.

The question may come about as to how are we giving ourselves to personal holiness? There are some points to remember in this quest for holiness. First, a man has to understand that he is only fit to preach if he has a clean life. I am drawn over and over to the writings of Paul to his sons in the faith, Timothy and Titus, and routinely he uses words to describe the character of those qualified to minister. I am going to give you a list of words that is not all inclusive from the ESV that Paul used and these are from 1 Timothy (you can glean many other nuggets if you browse through the other two P.E.’s): 

 

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A Few Things To Know About People Before You Use Them In Ministry.

They are not perfect. It’s true that if you wait for people to become perfect, you may be waiting a long time.  There is nothing wrong with exercising your own faith and begin using people before they are 100% ready to be used.

They will need your help. Don’t expect them to know all that you know.  Sit down with them and one on one, explain to them how to do what it is you want them to do.  Give them details of what you expect and guidelines on how to do it.

They need someone to tell them they can do it.  Most of the people who come into our churches have been beaten down by the world.  They need someone to believe in them.  The very fact that you believe in them will cause them to do things for God that they never thought they were capable of.

They will make mistakes.  You’ve made yours, let them make theirs.  Give them room for grace and forgiveness.  Let them know that a mistake is not necessarily an end, but rather a place to learn.

They are not mind readers.  Don’t expect them to just know what it is you want them to know.  Talk to them.  Communicate it to them.  Send them memos, emails and leave messages.

They want to succeed.  Nobody wants to fail.  Give them every chance to succeed.  Don’t give them a job that is way over their head.  Give them small tasks at first and work them into the ministry you want them to have.

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Making Changes Without Getting People Steamed

"The fiercest battles are seldom fought over theology. More often, they are fought over change; sometimes even the slightest change. Here's a process that can smooth the way for change."

Test the waters. The first thing to with a new idea is find out how people will react should the change take place. First, it lets you know if your dissatisfaction with the status quo is shared by others. Second, testing the waters will tell you what changes not to make. Finally, it lets you know what aspects of a proposed change will cause the most resistance and who the resisters are most likely to be.

Listen and respond to resisters. People who resist our ideas are sometimes labeled adversaries. We should prefer to see them as advisors. They can transform a good idea into a great idea!

 

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Pat Yourself On The Back

Pat yourself on the back.

Have you been feeling underappreciated lately?  Does it seem that no one understands how hard you work or how much you are trying?  The feeling that no one appreciates you can be very discouraging to most people. 

We all know the power of congratulations.  Rewarding people with our praise is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to motivate others.  Simple words of encouragement can literally change a person’s life when given at the right moment.  Saying “Good Job” or “This Looks Great” can motivate a person to want to try harder next time in order to please you, as well as give them a much needed sense of accomplishment for the hard work they have invested.

What happens though, when no one gives “You” that needed praise?  Who encourages the encourager?  Who tells the guy at the top “Good Job”?  Oftentimes, nobody does this.  Even a self-motivated person has a point where they just need to hear someone say “I appreciate what you are doing.”  So what do you do when those affirmations are few and far between?

Encourage yourself!  David did it.  1 Samuel 30:6;

And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.

Maybe you’ve never had the congregation ready to stone you, (Or maybe you have…) but there have probably been many times where you wondered where even your closest followers' devotions were.  David understood that this was one day where encouragement from the men was not going to come.  They were tired, discouraged, and let down.  He knew that there was nothing he could do or say that would cause them to appreciate all he was trying to do for them.  The only thing left for David to do was to “Encourage Himself”.  The scriptures say he “…encouraged himself in the Lord his God.”  Wouldn’t it be something if we could know exactly what he said or did to do this.  What were his words?  “Don’t worry David (to himself), God’s got your back.  You’re doing a fantastic thing for the Kingdom of God.  Don’t be discouraged, the Lord knows where you’re at right now.”  These are things we might say to another person to encourage them, so why not say them to ourselves? 

I confess, I talk to myself on occasion.  Not like a lot of people do, but rather to encourage myself.  A few years ago, I began to become very discouraged when it seemed that no one else seemed to appreciate the very hard work and tremendous accomplishment that I was experiencing.  So, I began to do something that might sound a bit strange to many people.  I began “patting myself on the back”.  Seriously, I literally patted myself on the back and said to myself, “Good job Jim.  No one else may notice what you just did, but I did and I think you did a fantastic job.”  I know that sounds odd, but I have to be honest with you, it felt good.  I said it to myself and at the same time realized that the guy saying it knew what he was talking about.  He was someone who recognized when someone did something great and he was now complementing me.  Only, me was also me, so for some that might not sound so great.

However, it was the only praise that was going to come to me that day, so if it had to come from me, I was going to accept it.

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Momentum - Leading the song service

Don't slow it down to fit your expectation of what the service should be doing. 

It doesn't have to be a fast song, just don't let it be a dead one. 

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Tips For Growing Your Ministry

Though God gets all the credit for growth in any ministry, there are practical steps pastors can follow to make their cities their congregations and enlarge their ministries for Christ:

1. Know your call and catch the vision. If a pastor has the vision, the mind-set, to break out of traditionalism, great things can happen. Don’t lock yourself in a box. Find a need and determine to fill it.

2. Be faithful in the little things and be consistent. “One thing about pastor is that he is very predictable,” says Jennifer Mallan, an outreach pastor at Church Without Walls. “He does the same things every day, so people know they can count on him. You know that on Wednesdays and Fridays our trucks will be out; on Saturday foods are prepared. It’s never hit-and-miss. Pastor has parented the city very well.”

3. Realize that it takes time to grow. You have to prove yourself. You want to show that what you are doing is not fly-by-night. Ask yourself, “Am I building my own kingdom or really helping my community?”

4. Put people around you who will catch your vision. Build a team that has diverse talents to accomplish the vision you are called to fulfill. Focus on a particular hurt and cure it; find an ill in society and figure out how to solve it. Realize that you and your team will need to put 100 percent into bringing a solution to the problem. Bridge the gap.

5. Work within all aspects of your community. Realize that the support of city council members, police chiefs and other leaders is necessary for the large-scale success of any growing ministry. Meet with city leaders when you first start and share your vision. Then get on a council agenda once or twice a year thereafter to give a progress report.

 

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Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Here are some simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life:

1. Ask yourself the question, “Will this matter a year from now?” Is what you are worked up over going to matter a year from now? If not, don’t let it destroy you today.
   
2. Practice Humility. The less compelled you are to try to prove yourself to others, the easier it is to feel peace inside.
   
3. Remember that you become what you practice the most. How do you spend your time? What you do is what you become.
   
4. Every day, tell at least one person something you like, admire, or appreciate about them. Telling others that you appreciate them takes almost no effort, but pays enormous dividends.
   
5. Choose your battles wisely. Every circumstance or problem is not worth the fight. There will always be things and people that don’t do right.
   
6. Life is a test. It is only a test. When you look at life as a test, you begin to see each issue as an opportunity to grow.
   
7. Remind yourself that when you die, your “In Basket” won’t be empty. The purpose of life isn’t necessarily to get it all done, but to do the right things.

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