Ten Principles for Getting Along With Difficult People

1. Maintain your confidence by being in right relationship with God. You can’t be objective or discerning if you’re not in good standing with God. A strong relationship with God gives you the grace and confidence to deal properly with difficult people.
2. Remember over- reacting will only accentuate the conflict and confuse the issue.
3. Hold realistic expectations. Make sure the difficult person can reach your expectations. You may be expecting him to do or be something that is impossible.
4. Quit trying to change the difficult person. Give up your rights and expectations regarding this person. Accept the fact that you can’t change him, but you can change your reactions to him.
5. Refuse to play his games. He may attempt to use you or make you feel guilty or obligated. Recognize the emotional games, and don’t participate.
6. Don’t allow yourself to become the difficult person’s slave. Be honest with yourself and learn to say no.
7. Keep a proper spirit and attitude. Maintaining credibility is the greatest struggle. Don’t let bitterness, anger, or resentment grow.

The Road Rage Phenonmenon!

What makes people act the way they do when they get in a car.

If I bumped into you as we enter an elevator, I would politely say "excuse me" and that would be it. But if my car comes into your lane and "almost" touches yours, Look Out! How many times we read or see where someone was even beaten up or shot over road rage. Testifying before a House transportation subcommittee, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration officials estimated that two-thirds of the 42,000 highway deaths last year were related to aggressive driving, which appears to have joined drunk driving as a perilous trait of American culture.

Otherwise seemingly, quite, reserved people who turn violent when someone cuts them off in traffic. I've done it and so have you. Nothing irritates me more than sitting at a 4 way stop and the person to my right doesn't know it's their turn to go. And so there we sit, waiting for the other person to go first. I wonder if some folks ever did read the driving manual.

I'm sure all of us at one time or another have been rewarded with that certain hand gesture by someone who felt we offended them in traffic. I've even had young girls offer that one now and then. (Maybe I'm just a bad driver.) How could someone give such an offending gesture to someone they don't even know?

Well, that's really what I want to talk about. I only reminded you about your road rage to make a point. The fact is, people experience road rage, because they don't know you. There is nothing personal about driving past someone on the road. Yours is only a very brief encounter. You will never see them again. They can say or do what they want to you and they will never have to face up to it. Your relationship has no value. And as a result, neither do you. Isn't that sad?! (I'll give you a little hint. If you need to get into a lane and no one will let you into it, simply roll the window down and give them a big smile and wave. Now they will let you in.) Try it.

As long as you are only another car on the road, you don't matter. But when you become a face and a person with a smile, well that's another story. They'll stop the traffic in their lane to let you in. I'll admit, I'm a horrible driver. Just ask my wife, she'll tell you. But even she knows that I can cut into any lane of traffic I want, because of a smile and a wave.

I wonder though how many of us have this same mentality even when we get out of our cars. Hmm, let's try a little test here. Let's say you are on vacation and a few hundred miles out, you stop to have dinner at a restaurant. You know, at one of those places where they cook everything in lard. What happens if the service or food is bad? Do you tip her any way? Well you don't have to do you?! After all, she doesn't even know you. Well, you might even be able to get off a couple of "complaints" to her since she won't see you in church this week.

Back Row Bullies

They may not sit in the back row.  In fact many times they sit closest to the front.  Most would say they are “Faithful” as they seldom miss a service.  They appear to be the backbone of the church.  They pay their tithes.  They dress right.  They look right, but once you really get to know them, you find that they are the Back Row Bullies of the church.

These people all too often run the church.  They decide who is going to do what.  They decide how loud the music is and what color the walls of the sanctuary are going to be.  Little happens in the church that they don’t know about and don’t in some great way influence the out come of.  Theirs is a mission.  Theirs is a job that nobody else will do.  Without them they know that the church would fall apart.   They are the Back Row Bullies.

No one is quite sure how they gained such influence.  Maybe it has to do with the amount of money they gave at one time or even still.  They may have family within the church whom they have great influence over.  Their measure of sacrifice is probably great, but nonetheless, they are Back Row Bullies.

We all know what a bully is.  It’s someone who pushes their weight/influence/resources around to cause you to do something you would not ordinarily do.  Let me break that down a bit.  You ordinarily would not put up with someone creating division in the church behind your back, but since they give so much money…  You otherwise would not allow them to have the position in the church that they have, but because their influence over so many in the church is strong… 

It's Mine! Mine! Mine!

I couldn’t believe it.  One hand gripping his toy.  The other clinched into a tightened fist.  He seemed ready to clobber anyone who came near enough to threaten his prized possession.  I don't remember what the toy was, but I'll never forget the spoiled defiance the child displayed as the parent tried to free it from his hand.

The toy was not his.  It belonged to another child.  The parent, embarrassed, was trying to retrieve it.  It was not going to come easy.  With feet stomping and face grimaced, he yelled, "It’s mine!  Mine!  Mine!  Mine!"

Spirits come against the Church in all forms.   Lust has destroyed many ministries and churches.  Jealousy had also brought down his fare share of great congregations.  Pride as well has been victorious over many of God’s elect.  The list goes on and on.  To say it doesn’t is to not face the reality that we are in a great war with evil.

There is another Spirit that has been shown to me of recent months.  His name is Mine.

Mine is a proud spirit.  In fact, he and Pride work very well together.  He does his greatest work in seemingly mature congregants.   He works to introduce the spirit of Possessiveness in people’s hearts.

How humble people are when they first come to Christ.  On bended knee we repent of past sins and plead with God for a new fleshly heart.  For weeks and months we are happy, just to be a part of the Kingdom.  Enjoying God’s blessings and the fellowship of his people, we start a wonderful new life.

Everything goes along just as Christ planned it for the new convert.  They are growing in newness of Life.  They are learning to trust Him and find healing for the wounds in their hearts.  Mine however, lurks in the shadows.  He hides, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.  However, he has no chance as long as Humility fills the heart of the new child of God.

The Pastoral Paradox

Paradox - "A statement seemingly absurd or self- contradictory, but really founded in truth."

Being a Pastor or Christian leader is not easy. Whoever said it was, was lying. Being a Pastor or Minister is rewarding and satisfying, but it is not easy.

The part that is not easy for me is when I do good for someone and they turn against me. It knocks me back a step when someone who I have really bent over backwards to help, lies against me or without gratitude, throws "it" all in my face. If you've ministered for more than 1 year, I'm sure you will be able to relate. If you've ministered for 10 years, you could probably write a book on the subject.

One thing they never taught us in Bible College was how to take a direct hit in the chops and keep a smile. Don't you just love getting bawled out by someone in the office, 10 minutes before service. It's not easy getting up in front of your church to preach a positive message after an encounter like that. But we do it anyway! Why? Because that's who we are. That's what we do. We are Ministers. We do good when people hurt us. What a Paradox!

I Hate Being Head Beagle!

One Snoopy cartoon depicts the famous beagle of Charley Brown lying on the roof of his dog house and complaining that everyone is constantly demanding something from him.  He has so much more to do that he can possibly get accomplished.  In the final frame of the cartoon, Snoopy sighs, “I hate being head beagle!”

Being head beagle is not always as glamorous as it appears to be.  Amazingly, people struggle to become the top dog.  There is some kind of allure to the top position in any given profession and the ministry is no different.  An intoxication to be the one at the top of the ladder oftentimes blurs the true calling and divine purpose of too many people.

Few however, know the true cost of being the one with the title before his/her name.  At the same time, those who are the One at the Top, overestimate their own true value.  Any organization that only thrives because of the charisma of its sole leader is in trouble.   In the day that the person whom the whole organization is revolving around falls away or steps aside, that organization is going to struggle to find direction for its immediate and future direction.  Few churches/organizations who follow this pattern can survive completely with the loss of their fearless leader.

Leadership: To Train Or Not To Train

A popular saying states, "A church that fails to plan is a church that plans to fail." I would like to rephrase that, "A church that fails to train its leaders is a church that trains its leaders to fail."

Since the pastor cannot do it all alone, training leaders is a must. It is imperative that every church have a plan to train existing and future leaders. Leaders are not born, they are developed through mentoring, training and hands on experience.

Leaders must have a clear mental and spiritual picture of their goals. The Bible calls this vision.

Prov 29:18

18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Without vision, people have no direction or focus and are easily confused and distracted. Without vision, ministries will fail and people will become discouraged and move on. Your leaders must know the vision, see the vision, understand the vision and believe in the vision. They must be trained in how to accomplish the vision. Then they must be consistently encouraged to fulfill the vision.

10 Steps To An Empowered Team

Are you struggling to get things done?  Are you the one who is usually completing the projects of your church and overseeing every ministry?  Does it seem like there is never enough time to get all that you need done, even though you are not doing nearly what your vision would require?  Are you feeling used up and exhausted?

You are not alone!  Many Pastors and ministry leaders feel this same way. One of the reasons is because we are not very good at utilizing the talents and strengths of others.  Here are 10 ways you can begin utilizing the people in your ministry to create a more resourceful and accomplished ministry team.   

Cast a vision - The next time you get up to announce a new ministry in your church or the direction you feel the church should be taking, cast a vision.  Share with your ministry team the end result.  You don't have to tell them all of what it is going to take to get there, just tell them the end result.  "I believe our church can be running 200 by next Easter!"  Now there will be many facets of ministry that are going to be needed to cause your congregation to run 200 by Easter, but for now all you want to do is give the leadership team a goal.  "200 by Easter!"

Ask for help - Acknowledging you need help is liberating for the leader!  it is also a grand opportunity for the team to feel like they are coming alongside their pastor.  Asking for help is not becoming vulnerable, it is being honest.  It is also being responsible.  God gave you your ministry team for a reason.  That reason is so that you can utilize their talents, knowledge and energy to accomplish the work of ministry God has envisioned you with.  "Would you consider working together and with me to cause our church to be running 200 by Easter?"

Allow the Genius of the group to be found - The smartest person in the room is not you.  Nor is it any one other person in the group.  The Genius in the room is always the sum of all of those who are on your ministry team.  If allowed to be heard, there are people on your team who have ideas and experiences that can advance your vision much better than you can by yourself.  "What are some things that we could do to cause our church to be running 200 by Easter?"

Why does it work in other churches, but not in our church?

One church may be in a small rural community where it is easy to develop close personal relationships.  Another may be in a big city where shallow impersonal relationships are the standard.  (In the country they all wave to each other – even to strangers.  In the metro areas, they don’t speak to one another even when they walk abreast on the streets.

One town may have a growing populating while another may have a shrinking population.  Industry is brining people into one area and as a result the pews seem to fill up all by themselves.  Factory shutdowns may be causing another town to be losing its population, hence it looks like the church is not doing a good job since it too is shrinking. 

One town may have a wealthy populace while another may be in a poverty stricken area.  There is not going to be much need for a food bank in a wealthy area, but it may bring many new contacts and converts to a church in an impoverished area.  If a pastor of the wealthy community says, “Hey, we need a food bank.” since he sees the success of the struggling community church, he may be wasting church resources and time.

One church might be a new church and another very established.  (Established doesn’t always mean it has arrived, it just means it’s been there for a while.)  I have worked in 2 church start ups and in 4 established churches.  It is much easier to get things started and rolling in a newer church than one that has been around for 50 years.  I could get programs started in one day in that small baby church where it took me months to get the same program started in larger established churches.  Because it works overnight in one town does not mean it will work over night in another.